For better and worse, I'm not alone with what I'm going through. Many family members and friends have lost furry best friends and can truly empathize with my loss.
If you're dealing with losing a pet, or you know someone in mourning, here are some things to keep in mind. I've also added a list of books, at the end of this blog, for coping with pet loss recommended by Chris Haws, a grief counselor based out of Washington DC.
I think one of the most important things you can do, whether you are the one experiencing a loss or you're close with someone who has, is not diminish what you, or your loved one, are going through.
Never disenfranchise your grief or the grieving process for your pet. I have mostly lived by this statement, but when I first lost Walter, I sometimes used language that apologized for my feelings and/or actions. Bless my family, friends, co-workers, and really everyone in my life, they wouldn't stand for it and insisted my loss was legitimate and substantial. I felt, and continue to feel, so loved and supported.
Give yourself a lot of grace. The void a pet leaves is vast. There are so many big and small routines that abruptly, and heartbreakingly, cease. Walter touched and shaped me in more ways than I even appreciated while he was with me. It was a bit of a learning curve for me to truly appreciate it all after he was gone. Walter trained me far more than I trained him. I wistfully smiled through my tears, realizing that he was so bossy that I felt lost without that damn dog telling me what to do! You have to be as kind and gentle with yourself as you were with your furbaby. That also means think about what you need and ask others to help.
Writing, for me, is part of my recovery process. Not only am I sharing my thoughts here, but I'm also writing something just for myself. Part eulogy, part memory dump - I'm thinking of funny moments, cataloging characteristics, and listing quirks and talents. It's a way to think about the many good times and stave off the fear of my memories fading with time.
For family and friends thinking about ways to support their loved one going through the grieving process -- of course, take your queues from them. But here are some ways someone can offer to help:
Walter's illness came on so suddenly, I was receiving packages of his food and treats only days before and after he died. The unopened boxes were a physical representation of my loss and I couldn't bear seeing them. Family members helped me donate food, treats, and some toys. I felt some solace that dogs in need would be helped.
Offer to help stop auto-shipments. Chewy, Petco, Amazon - it was torture to go into the various apps and online stores to stop auto-shipments. It may be a comfort to help go into the apps and do the cancellations for someone. Chewy, I must add, has the best customer relations I have ever experienced. There is an option within the app to note your pet has passed, and therefore, all shipments will automatically be canceled. They refunded me for recent purchases and suggested the items be donated. They sent me a very nice condolence bouquet and commissioned an artist to paint Walter's portrait for me to have.
Within a day of sharing the news of Walter's passing, I started to receive beautiful bouquets and shiva type food baskets filled with babkas, fruit, and other comfort treats. It was very sweet to hear from people and the flowers and cake helped me acknowledge my loss was profound and remind me how many special people I have in my life that care so much.
Just be in touch. Ask how they are doing. And keep on doing it.The first few days and weeks are unbearbable, but there are many stages to go through. Check in a few weeks later and then again a few weeks after that.
As noted, the break in routines is hard to take. Just being home without Walter is hard. Offers of weekends away to visit friends was very appreciated, both to spend time with friends, of course, but it was a welcomed distraction and break from aspects of my grief. Just booking someone up with a dinner out or other plan to get them out of the house can be helpful.
No gifts are necessary, but if you're looking for some ideas...
Donations to an animal shelter in the pet's name is very meaningful.
Pictures are so precious. A locket is a thoughtful gift. I was blown away from one friend downloading dozens of pictures I had posted on social media and making a photo book for me to have. My parents gave me a digital photo frame as an early birthday gift, which I promptly loaded exclusively with photos of Walter.
Here's the list of Grief Counselor Chris Haws' recommended books for coping with pet loss:
"For Every Dog an Angel" by Christine Davis. This is a comforting picture book that can be equally appealing to both children and adults. It's often given as a sympathy gift to those who have recently lost a pet.
"Pet Loss and Human Emotion: A Guide to Recovery" by Cheri Barton Ross and Lorri A. Greene. This book provides a step-by-step guide to recovery and offers various coping strategies.
"Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet" by Moira Anderson Allen M.Ed. This book provides practical advice and emotional support for grieving pet owners.
"Saying Goodbye to Your Angel Animals: Finding Comfort after Losing Your Pet" by Allen Anderson, Linda Anderson. This book offers personal accounts of how people have come to terms with the loss of their pets, providing both emotional comfort and practical advice.
"I Will See You in Heaven" by Jack Wintz. This book tackles the spiritual aspect of pet loss and offers comfort to those wondering if they will be reunited with their pets in the afterlife.
"Pawprints in the Moonlight: The Heartwarming True Story of One Man and his Cat" by Denis O'Connor. Though not directly a book about pet loss, this memoir covers the relationship between the author and his cat, Toby Jug. The end-of-life stages are covered with such sensitivity that it offers comfort to those grieving their pets.
"The Rainbow Bridge: A Visit to Pet Paradise" by Adrian RaesideThis book is aimed at helping children understand and cope with the loss of a pet, but its gentle approach can also be comforting for adults.
"Goodbye, Friend: Healing Wisdom for Anyone Who Has Ever Lost a Pet" by Gary KowalskiThis book offers a compassionate guide to help you through the process of grieving. It includes ceremonies and practical advice for dealing with the loss.
"The Loss of a Pet: A Guide to Coping with the Grieving Process When a Pet Dies" by Wallace Sife, Ph.D.Wallace Sife brings psychological perspectives to help you understand grief and offers a guide to help you through the mourning process.
"When Your Pet Dies: A Guide to Mourning, Remembering and Healing" by Alan D. Wolfelt Ph.D.Wolfelt is well-known for his work on grief and bereavement, and this book is tailored specifically to those who have lost a pet.
Pet loss books specifically for children…
"The Rainbow Bridge: A Visit to Pet Paradise" by Adrian Raeside This book explores the concept of the Rainbow Bridge, a mythical place where pets go after they pass away. The story is comforting and offers hope to children that they will be reunited with their pets one day.
"I'll Always Love You" by Hans Wilhelm. This book tells the story of a young boy and his dog, Elfie. When Elfie passes away, the story addresses the emotions the boy goes through and how he comes to terms with the loss.
"The Goodbye Book" by Todd Parr. Todd Parr's book is written in a way that is sensitive to a child's emotions and understanding of loss. The illustrations are bright and comforting, and the text is simple and straightforward.
"When a Pet Dies" by Fred Rogers (Mr. Rogers). Fred Rogers addresses the loss of a pet with his signature compassion and understanding. He helps children understand what death is and how to cope with the feelings that come along with it.
"Dog Heaven" by Cynthia RylantThis book paints a picture of a wonderful Dog Heaven where dogs run free and are happy. It's designed to comfort children with the idea that their pet is in a better place.
"Saying Goodbye to Lulu" by Corinne Demas. This book focuses on a young girl and her aging dog, Lulu. As Lulu's health declines, the girl comes to understand what it means to say goodbye. The story provides a gentle introduction to the concepts of aging and loss.
"Cat Heaven" by Cynthia Rylant. Much like "Dog Heaven," this book helps children visualize a beautiful afterlife for their beloved cat, offering comfort and peace during a difficult time.
"Goodbye Mousie" by Robie H. Harris. This book focuses on a young boy who discovers that his pet mouse, Mousie, has died. The story covers his initial disbelief, emotions, and finally acceptance, offering a child's perspective on loss.
"Jasper's Day" by Marjorie Blain Parker. This book is about a boy and his family who have to make the difficult decision to euthanize their dog, Jasper. It's sensitive, honest, and helps children understand this tough choice.
"Always Remember" by Cece Meng This book doesn't explicitly deal with pets but is more about remembering someone who has passed away. The message can easily apply to pets, and it offers a beautiful and uplifting way to keep the memory of a lost pet alive.
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